had possibly one of the best days of my life today, and yet all day, all I could think about was that I was living it without you.
Things are not the same, nor will they ever be.
This here is the new normal.
It’s learning to carry the weight of my heart. Its learning to let go. Its choosing myself, and the way in which I want to love and be loved.
Today was probably one of the best days of my life.
One day, I realized he might not exist. My soulmate, I mean.
I realized there might not be someone walking around this earth just waiting to meet me. Someone with a private world just as intricate as mine that, one day, I would get to share and be a part of and know.
And I realized I was keeping a vacant spot in my heart for this person who might not exist. That I wasn’t allowing myself to be whole because how could I be whole with my other half missing?
It was an excuse, of course. A simple view of life that would exempt me from having to put in the effort of filling myself up with the love I was waiting for someone else to supply.
The reality is this: Life is a churning, chaotic thing with no guarantees, and in the throws of the tumbling you might run into people to hold on to for a while. Sometimes for a night, sometimes for life.
And holding on to someone is a worthy thing. A wonderful thing. Something to look forward to and appreciate and embrace with your whole heart.
But the love you get from holding on to someone will never be as reliable as the love you can give yourself. Right here. Right now.
So here’s my advice. Be open to love, but don’t be empty for it."
Here I am, life;
Please be gentle.
Now begins the hardest part.
The moment my dad waved goodbye from the cab it felt real.
I feel anxious and then at peace and then scared and then alive and then alone and then whole.
When I traveled to Peru a couple of weeks ago I went with the purpose of getting to know myself. I wanted to spend some time alone. Even though I traveled by myself the truth is I was never alone for more than a few hours. I kept meeting people on the way. It was so strange crossing paths with people for just a few hours or a couple of days and then letting go knowing that you might never see each other again. It felt so strange to not feel like you wanted to prolong that person’s presence in your life.
Now everything is different. I’m sitting on my bed in my first home, in a new city full of strangers. The nearest family member is 6 hours away by plane on the complete opposite side of the country.
I would be lying if I said that I am NOT scared shitless, and yet few things have felt this right in my life.
I feel like I am supposed to be here. Like there is something waiting for me here that I have yet to see. When I spoke to my friends I told them, it just feels like this is home.
A part of me really misses the familiarity of Boston. I was comfortable there. But everywhere I looked reminded me of the fact that I had been happy there once, and that it had all gone down im flames.
Sometimes I think that I would love to go back. Maybe in a few years; maybe never.For what it’s worth, I feel that life has prepared me for this moment. I hope that in my time here I can get to know myself, travel a bunch, do a lot of good, and find a life partner. I hope among other things to learn to live with less, and to the devote my time to the people in my life that really matter. All I ask of you life is that you help me today and always to keep an open mind and an open heart.